You know you’re in Bombay when...

1. When words like ‘Jaaneka’, ‘Aaneka’ , ‘Rukneka’ , ‘Maarneka’ are considered to be grammatically correct.
2. When it takes longer to get off from your house to the station than from one end of Mumbai to another by train.
3. When every cab and rickshaw driver makes small talk with you.
4. When 1BHK flats qualify as ancestral houses.
5. When your life revolves around bizarre numbers like 8:13 and 6:08.
6. A kitchen garden is usually 3 pots hung in a window.
7. When you can curse in three languages in the same sentence.
8. When you pay 6000 bucks as rent for a room the size of a walk-in closet and think it’s a steal.
9. When you know what day it is looking at the traffic. And if you are smarter, plan your route according to the day of the week.
10. When you call a stranger ‘boss’
"Boss, zara sambhalke, niche saman rakhela hai!"
11. When you have NO idea who your mayor is but know exactly where Amitabh lives.
12. You ask your friend to meet at 9:13 under indicator of platform number 4.

13. When you ask for directions and everybody around you also tries to help you out.
14. When you can go into an Udupi restaurant and order Jain American Chopsuey Dosa.
15. When your friend/relative whom you have just dropped off at the Sahar Airport reaches Dubai before you return home.
16. When the rickshaw driver plays songs that you've never ever heard before!
17. When your train is approaching station and the person behind asks "Utarega kya??"
18. When you ask somebody for a place and he tells you the bus number to get there.
19. When you find people staring at you with a disgusting look if you are not running to catch the train.
20. When you are happy to spy a sliver of the beautiful sunset/sunrise outside your window, between two grey multi storied apartment complexes.

21. When renting an apartment you find out that the 'building is vegetarian' and you can't bring non-vegetarian food.
22. When mama and mausi are male and female 4th class workers respectively.
23. Where the happiness on the faces of slum kids by the roadside never fails to astonish you and you thought your life was a struggle?
24. When you are travelling and yelling on your cellphone, "Abhi mein Dadar pahunch raha hoon!" and actually you haven’t yet crossed Byculla!
And the speaker in the train says, "Agla Station.... Byculla..... Next Station....... Byculla..... Pudheel Station.... Bhaikhala!!"
25. When you hate the guy/girl in front is walking slowly and mutter under your breath, “Garden main aayela hai kya?!”
26. When automatic vending machines have a sales person sitting next to it just to help you.
27. When you know what a ‘Baba’ suit and a ‘Baby’ suit are.

1.35 ki Last Local...

I was at Vashi station this Monday. It was 1.15 in the Morning. I was very late for the Office. I looked around to see that the platform was practically deserted.

“Khaali train milegii.!” I said to myself. I’ll board an empty train.

Out of nowhere, A Kid walked upto me and asked “Bhaiyya, Kurla ko train kahaan aayegi?” Where do I board a train to Kurla?

Atif Aslam was blaring into my ears. The kid spoke the same moment as Atif peaked... “Tum hi ho.. Beshubaa ..tum hi ho..!” He went unheard.

“Kyaa chahiye?” I asked, as I paused Atif Aslam.What do you want?

Maybe I said that too loudly. I don’t know, the song was playing at full volume.

 The kid repeated the question. I merely pointed towards Platform 3.

A little while later, I glanced at the indicator. My train was scheduled to arrive at 1.35 AM. While the kid had missed his last train.

I looked around and I spotted the Kid who was looking suspiciously at a train stalled on Platform # 3 . The train had completed it’s last run of the day. One could say that the kid was surreptitiously contemplating boarding the train, but what was stopping him was the fact that the train was devoid of passengers.

I suddenly felt sorry for him as he would have to wait till 4.00 AM for the first train. I was not sure if he even understood that his train was at 4.00 AM. He was a poor kid, but  not an urchin. A decently dressed poor kid, I would say.

He looked at the indicator, perhaps understood that the train was at 4.00 AM. His face was inscrutable, but I could say that he was scared. He walked across the platform to a bench and sat there. Two men were already seated there.

On the other end of the platform, I saw two policemen patrolling the station. I knew what would happen next. The policemen checked the kid’s tickets and simply asked the kid to leave railway station. The other two were mere spectators.

My heart reached out to the kid, who would have to spend a night on the roads. I was not happy with myself.

My train arrived.

I realized I forgot to turn Atif Aslam back on.

In the train Yesterday....

Was in the train yesterday. Me and a few office colleagues had planned to watch a movie for the weekend and were on the way. (We would regret it very soon. :P)

A fruit seller came into the compartment and was loudly merchandising his wares . 

"Santre le lo santre! Sirf Paanch Rupaye kaa Teen!" He said in chaste Hindi. Oranges, juicy oranges! Get three for only Five Rupees.

It was Saturday afternoon and the train was not crowded. The Fruit Vendor, apparently from Uttar Pradesh, was making brisk sales and enjoying the fact that he actually got a seat in the train to conduct his business.

A man selected some oranges and said, "Atta tuu Mumbaila aala aahe, Marathit bol, mee paishe deto magh."   You are doing business in Mumbai now, speak in Marathi, then I'll pay the Money. 

The vendor's expression became grim and he quickly sized the situation. The Man was seemed harmless and was smiling while holding the money in his hand. "Santre ghyaa, Santre.. !! Faktah Paach rupay laa teen." The Fruit Vendor yelled in fluent Marathi.

Pleased, the Man paid the money to the fruit seller. And the seller switched to Hindi again, talking in Marathi only when the Man playfully glared at him. It was apparent that the Man just wanted some fun at the innocent fruit seller's expense and the fruit seller's sudden burst of Marathi lightened everybody's mood. The vendor too, enjoyed the attention and the sales as well.

A tense moment had passed and in the end, all were smiling.

Guess,Where am I?? :D

I am posting from my cell phone. I am in a train and it is stalled somewhere near Jhansi.
"Jhansi!Of all the places?" I would've scoffed had you told this to me 6 months back. But now, as life unfolds..i'm really in a train stalled near Jhansi, for a mini vacation.. :D

Another Sunday, Vashi again..

Was at Vashi station again. The queue was incredibly long for the tickets, and as usual, I was late for Office. Queues are my favourite place to observe people and their mannerisms. At it's best, the queue was crawling. People around were had a lost look upon their faces, resigned to the fact that they have to be a part of this serpentine queue for the next half an hour or so. I was intently reading a petition put up airing the grievances of the commuters; Long queues, no shades, malfunctioning vending machines et cetera.
The man behind me remarked, "Ever since they started the computerised ticketing system, the exercise of buying a ticket has become painfully slow."
I was in no mood to start a conversation but I smiled and said, "Yes ,It has. " He was right. This was one example where technology had slowed life considerably. The days of card tickets seemed to be from some bygone era.
I was very impatient and was glancing at the watch more often and I swear, the clock was moving faster than ever. My Manager would be having me for lunch today.
I was nearing the counter and my eyes fell on two boys who seemed to be very worried after getting the tickets. They were comparing their tickets and talking very fast. I threw a customary glance at my watch again and it was then of the boys suddenly entered the queue ahead of me and told the man over the counter , "Sir, I wanted a ticket for CBD and you gave me one for CST."
The person retorted, "So you mean to say I don't know the difference between CST and CBD?"
The scared boy replied, " Sir, please take this ticket back and give me a ticket for CBD"
The Officer glowered and the kid stepped back. I was near enough to overhear their conversation. They were with no extra money and were too innocent to travel ticketless.
One of the boys came up with an idea. They tried selling the ticket to someone who would like to go to CST. Little did they know that a railway station is the last place where a Mumbaikar would trust another.

They were good kids from presumably decent families with clean , oiled hair , bright faces with spectacles et al. Their backpacks proudly declared "IIT-Jee".

I tapped one of them on the back and asked what the problem was. " Uncle, CST jaana hai aapko?" The kid asked immediately. Do you want to go to CST?

"Uncle??" I winced. Feeling my stubble, I said that I didn't want to. The kid left without saying anything.

"Ek ticket nikaalke do naa CBD ke liye, please" the other kid blurted out desperately. Would you please buy one ticket to CBD for us.

I was at the counter by then. I wanted to go to CBD myself. I asked the man over the counter to give another ticket to CBD as well.

"Pata nahi kahan kahan se aa jaate hain hero banne!" The Officer muttered under his breath. God knows where these wannabe heroes pop up from!

I winked at the officer and handed over the ticket to the kid who grabbed it and started running towards the platform.

As an afterthought, one of them turned back and shouted, "Thanks Bhaiyya!!"

I was relieved that it was not the other kid who had called me an "Uncle".

This Sunday......

I was at the Vashi station. I was in a hurry, late for office already. Now in a long queue for the tickets. The lady next to me had a bag that read "Gandhi Khadi Bhandar". It was a plastic bag. I winced at the irony of it all. The woman,oblivious to my observations, bought her ticket and left. I could not help but smile. The cynic in me.
I was throwing anxious glances at my watch the wait seemed like an eternity. I finally got a ticket. I was running towards the platform. I saw a woman inserting change into a ticketing machine that wasn't working(I had tried that before). Still running, I glanced backwards. The woman was now pounding at the machine that was not spitting out the tickets. I looked at her again. She was a middle aged woman, educated very obviously techno phobic trying to get used to senseless machines and was bad at reading error messages. In short, a common middle aged, middle class woman. Like my mom.
It's funny how fast your mind performs these logical functions. I felt an impulse to assist the lady. I stopped.I went back to the woman who was still pounding on the machine hoping it would at least return the money if not the ticket.
I touched her on the shoulder and told her that the machine was not working.
"Kaai??" She asked in Marathi. What
"Ha machine chaalat nahi." I replied. This machine is not working.
"Aata paishe taakle mee, parat pan nahi bhetnaar kaa?? " She asked. I inserted some coins. Wont I even get that money back?
"Ithe bagha kaai lihla aahe" See whats written here. I said pointing towards the display, "This machine is out of service. It wont dispense tickets" The machine declared flatly.
"Ooh!" The woman sighed. Obviously embarrassed.
She said that she was at this machine for close to 10 minutes was very disappointed at the effort being wasted. She wanted to avoid the long queue. I offered to get the tickets for her.
"Nako re, bala." She said, ruffling my hair." Majha mulga aahe naa." No, my dear, my son will do that for me.
A shy, 10 year old kid was smiling at me.
I smiled back.
I had missed my train.