Saturday, October 10, 2009

My brilliance.. in virulence..!

 Statutory Warning # 1: Reading this post may irritate some dunderheads. Who might later storm my house and beat me up..! I give two hoots..!! :D  


Statutory Warning # 2 : Please, don’t view my posts as Anti-Marathi, they are Pro- India.






What if our Chota Cub passes out of Bombay Scottish, sails through college, does exceedingly well at the incumbent CAT and actually gets a call from one of the IIMs?

And what if it turned out to be IIM - Lucknow?


Any ordinary Marathi Manoos would have been in a dilemma. But not Cub Sir.

He roars into the mike, “My Son conquered IIM Lucknow, but he would not study there. He won’t step into the state that has been Maharashtra’s undoing..!”

A thunderous applause follows.


                    raj th


And all of a sudden, I pop out of nowhere and grab the mike from Cub Sir’s hands. (It’s MY blog, you see!)


I roar into the mike now.


“All hail the upholder of Maratha Pride! It is He who has shown us The Way. Like scattered sheep we were wandering aimlessly but now, we’ve found our Shepherd. Like Moses parted the Sea with his staff to make way for the Christians, Cub Sir would part the Indians to make way for the Marathis!

      My fellow Maharashtrians, let us all, at this solemn moment, pledge to not waver like Cub Sir. Let His wisdom give us the strength to emulate him.

             Let us all pledge to never desert Maharashtra. Even if our kids make it to the IITs and the IIMs, let them serve Maharashtra in Maharashtra, for we were fortunate enough to be born here. So, let our children live, rot and die here without ever stepping out of Maharashtra for they were equally fortunate to be born here. Let us kill them all by confining their bright, young minds within the walls of a city and the confines of a language. Let’s poison their thoughts while our leaders indulge themselves in a disgusting orgy of renaming schools and erecting token memorials! Let us rest on our laurels, slip into a trance and croak our throats out over our superiority over the rest of ‘them’! Croak – yes.. we’ll croak because we’re no better than the proverbial frog in the well..!”


I am finished. I return the mike to Cub Sir.

There is pin drop silence. One man gets up and yells an obscenity at me. Others follow suit.. soon they start throwing slippers at me.


Alas! Nobody likes to listen to the truth..

Sunday, October 4, 2009

When Karan kowtowed…



               Karan Johar is indeed a lucky chap that I am busy with my examinations. He is a great director and I love his movies because they so wonderfully espouse the Indian values and demonstrate to the world the greatness of the Indian culture. Though his last movie was a preposterous story about adultery and independent women, I liked it because both make good fiction. I was keen to watch his new movie, Wake Up Sid. But I won’t be watching it now.

Not because my friend said that it was a terrible movie, but because Karan Johar, with this movie, showed how ungrateful he could be to the city that gave him everything. Calling the city by it’s colonial name is sacrilege. The mere mention of the dreaded word, Bombay brings into mind hideous memories of our terribly secular, cosmopolitan, inclusive, spinster-like past. Bombay was a city riddled with problems. Slums, People, Women, Muslims, Madrasis, Stray Dogs etc. defiled the city. Our Beloved Leader had redeemed us and had solved our problems with one move. He renamed the city, and Bombay was gone! We were given a new city to live in. Since then, we have seen so many concrete steps (pun inserted by accident) being taken to prevent influx of poor people into the city. Barring the occasional bomb blast or the accidental flood, we have seen virtually no crime save a few rapes and some silly murders.

In fact, Mumbai is looking forward to a great future. We have just inaugurated the costliest bridge in all of Asia (by way of toll costs too) . We consume the least power in the country (As we don’t have it for the better part of the day!) Our airport (Chhatrapati Shivaji Maharaj International Airport) is undergoing renovation, so is our railway station (Chhatrapati Shivaji Maharaj Terminus) and our museum (Chhatrapati Shivaji Maharaj Vaastu Sanghralaya) is already a Grade I heritage structure. In some years, we will have a statue of Maharaj in the middle of the Arabian sea. It is rumoured to be taller than the Statue of Liberty itself. Contrary to popular perception, it is not a lavish indulgence on part of the Government, but it is a clever ploy to attract more tourists from the sea. (Accidental pun # 2)

Coming back to the main topic, that ungrateful Karan Johar will lose out on Rs.160 as I am not going to watching a movie which ‘hurt’ my sentiments. Besides, the entire movie does not feature a single Marathi actor and the dialogue writer was some South Indian half-wit who dared to refer to Mumbai as Bombay. Do we call his city Madras or Trivandrum?

Our Tiger Cub saved Karan Johar from our Beloved Leader’s wrath and Karan Johar rightfully paid obeisance to Mr. Cub and accepted his mistake. Cub Sir has dared people to use the tabooed word again and face dire consequences! Chota Cub Sir though, studies in Bombay Scottish. Cruel twist of fate.

Cub Sir’s secret obsession is to rename Bombay Times, the only problem is that they are too powerful for Cub Sir’s liking!!